Everything and Nothing to lose

She sat in the Starbucks cafe, sipping her coffee and staring out of the window. The blood stained knife lay next to her handbag, covered with her blue silk scarf. Her face was expressionless, her eyes were blank. It was almost like gazing into a gulch. Her hair was well groomed, not a strand out of place. Her makeup was impeccably flawless that it made her look like a porcelain doll that had just stepped out of a horror movie. Her composure was admirable yet it looked like she had been through the mill. She inhaled the overpowering fragrance of freshly ground coffee beans that permeated the air. The smell of the “magic beans” was intoxicating. There was nothing better than relying on the aroma you love to release an exceedingly generous amount of pheromones into your system.

Her eyes quickly darted around, scanning the couples and people seated sipping on lattes or mochas, some people were having a quick bite before heading home after work. Even though the café was full no one bothered about her presence. She glanced down contemptuously at her Yves Saint Laurent handbag for a fleeting moment.

“Elena, I will be coming home late tonight. Don’t wait up,” Brad’s bass voice boomed from the kitchen as he grabbed his leather briefcase off the kitchen counter and swung his laptop bag carelessly on his shoulder.

Elena ignored him. These were just hollow words that were repeated day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year. She had grown immune to those late nights, weekends “with the guys”, not showing up an entire night. Thankfully the children were in boarding school. They wouldn’t have to see the tears while she sat in front of a bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon, nursing a crystal tulip glass before her. Sitting in that large mansion alone every night was not as easy as she made it seem. The loneliness slowly shattered her mental equilibrium but it didn’t show on her face.

She had been with Brad for twenty years. He fell in love with her the moment he saw her walk down their college corridors. She stood out in a crowd with her “devil may care” attitude and confidence. They were in different departments but he had made it a point to introduce himself to her during her first year. He went on to becoming an affluent businessman and she was a stay-at-home mom.

Their marriage was a social affair. He treated her like a princess. There was nothing that she could possibly want from her Chanel handbags to her Gucci shoes. She was always well turned out. Brad loved having her on his arm at the social dinners and at the elite cocktail parties. It was quite evident that she was his trophy. She had always been his prized possession right from the moment they started dating. He was equally striking with his V shaped physique and height that resembled a beanpole. She had to admit they made a handsome couple, and even passed their mid-forties they still made heads turn.

She tried to figure out where they went wrong or more likely what went wrong. She always did what was right. She kept the house exactly how he liked it, cooked his favourite meals, and maintained her looks so that it concealed her age. Was it the excitement of cheating or the excitement of doing something wrong? It was all blurred. Somewhere down the line Brad decided to start dating another woman. Elena knew who she was. She was younger than Elena by an entire decade but not as tall or pretty. Elena’s beauty was enigmatic and still made men dizzy with infatuation.

Elena gritted her teeth in anger trying to figure out why Brad would choose to go scurrying after such an inexperienced “plain Jane”. She knew she looked far younger than her forty-five years, her skin was flawless; her hourglass figure could send any woman into a frenzy of jealousness. Her legs were shapely and athletic.

Violence had seeped into their loveless marriage. Whenever Brad was home he would pick a fight on imaginary issues. She didn’t use the right softener when she laundered his clothes, the vegetables were not cooked the way his mother made them, her car was parked at a slight angle and he couldn’t get his car out, the dog had greeted him with muddy paws all over his Versace suit. Yes, he had a very vibrant imagination; she had to give him credit for that.

Brad knew that Elena was aware of his mistress and he couldn’t help wondering why she had not filed for a divorce taking all his assets with her. He was even ready to let her have it all, his entire estate, his fleet of cars, and his business. Heck! He would even pay for the best divorce lawyer if he had to. Elena maintained her composure and decided to see how long the two of them could play this game of cat and mouse. Six years went by and they were still playing the same game. He was violent behind closed doors but in full view of the public eye he made sure he came across as the world’s greatest husband. His manners and suave personality made it all very believable.

Elena had toughened up over the past few years. She had been going for Muay Thai classes to keep her mind and body sane and fit. She planned a secret weekend out to surprise her estranged husband. Perhaps it was her who needed a break away from the prison she used to call home. Maybe she should go on a road trip and catch up with friends in nearby states or fly out to meet her parents who lived in the other end of the country. She bought herself plane tickets and got ready for her break. Brad could handle the food since he did that anyway despite of her cooking all his favourite food. She was definitely going to take a break from the manor and its sprawling, well-manicured lawns. She wouldn’t even miss the place.

She informed Brad well before the day. He told her that he wouldn’t be able to take her to the airport because of his work overload. She translated that excuse to “You know I’d rather spend that time with my mistress than drive you to the airport”. She yawned to let him know that she knew what he was implying.
The day of her departure turned out being a stormy one. She got a call informing her that her flight was canceled and her money would be refunded. She was pleased about it because she would now get a chance to see what her husband was really up to. She staggered upstairs to the attic and hid her bags there. She set up a makeshift bed and bid her time. This was one time she was exceptionally pleased about concealing cameras around the house and linking them all to her laptop. She had to make sure that she was safe since she was alone most of the time.

Elena knew she was safe in the attic because Brad was confined to the kitchen, their bedroom and the attached bathroom. It was almost as though none of the other rooms existed for him. Even his office that opened out into the emerald lawns overlooking the summer gazebo meant nothing to him.

Elena covered the tiny windows with thick blankets and made sure no light could be spotted from the outside. She had stocked up the tiny antique cupboard with tinned foods and basic essentials. She typed in her password to link up to the cameras and in a few clicks she could see the entire house and all the rooms. She swapped between scenes. She just needed the important areas. Brad was not due to be home until much later that evening.

She did not have a long wait. Brad was home earlier than expected and he was not alone.

“I should have known he would bring that tramp along and let her sleep in my bed!” Elena fumed and turned up the volume on her laptop after plugging her headset in.

“We have to be careful and cover our tracks,” Brad said. “She has to be somewhere in this house. I called up the airport to check on her flight and I was informed that the flight was canceled. She does not have anywhere else to go. Please don’t do anything rash.”

“You don’t do anything rash,” the thirty-five year old woman retorted. “What if she is here and watching our every move? Do we follow through with our plan?”
“What plan?” Brad was confused.

“The plan to eliminate…,” his mistress replied in a nonchalant tone.

“The weapons…,” he trailed strategically.

“Are taken care of,” she ended his sentence.

Elena had been expecting something like this for a long time now and was well prepared for the day. She rummaged in a trunk for her gun which she had kept loaded and ready. She had hidden a gun with an attached silencer in their bedroom and one in the kitchen. No one knows the kitchen better than the lady of the house. She groped around for a dagger. She knew how to throw the knife to hit the target exactly where she wanted to. She tucked the dagger in the band of her skirt and gripped the gun so tightly her knuckles turned white.

“Let’s split up,” Brad suggested.

“I’ve never been here before. I wouldn’t know where to go,” his woman hissed.

“Fine, in that case we’ll just stick together,” he sighed agitatedly.

“Do you know where she can be?” she asked him.

“We’ll check the bedroom first,” he suggested. “Come on.”

Elena quickly changed to the camera in the bedroom and waited for them to enter. Brad looked under the bed and checked the bathroom.

“She’s not here,” he stated.

“Captain Obvious!” she smirked.

He smiled. He loved the way she kept him feeling younger than his years whereas Elena was just a reminder of how much older he had gotten. He tried to forget about his graying hair and receding hairline. He felt much younger than he looked.

“Let’s go,” he said.

Elena had not installed cameras anywhere else after the bedrooms on the first floor. She had no choice but to switch off her computer. Without waiting for it to go off, she slid it beneath an old wooden trunk. She slipped off her pumps and crept to the door. She knew that she would have an advantage if she was caught behind it. Her heart pounded like a train on a track. She thought it was going to burst out of her delicate frame. She knew that her estranged husband had a gun with him but she was not certain about what weapon the other woman had.

She heard the knob on the door open slowly.

“Elena, I know you’re in here,” her husband crooned, tantalizing her. “We’re right next to you. Come out, come out wherever you are my darling.”
He stepped into the attic hesitantly, signaling to his girlfriend to stay back. Elena slowly lifted the gun. He opened the door and switched on the light.
“She’s not here, let’s go,” the woman whispered quite audibly.

“There’s nowhere else she could have gone,” he said. “We checked all the rooms, remember?”

“We didn’t check the garage,” she pointed out, agitatedly.

“Go check the garage. I’ll meet you there,” he said and without warning he slammed the attic door shut.

Elena aimed at his head and pulled the trigger. He fell flat on his back. He was dead before he hit the floor. The mistress heard the thud.
“Brad?” she called opening the door. She found herself face to face with an enraged Elena.

“Hallo there! I’m Elena, Brad’s widow. Pleased to meet you,” Elena’s smile was psychotically sinister. “Fancy you dropping by to see me. You must be Leigh.”

Leigh charged at her, brandishing a kitchen knife she had found on the counter. Elena grabbed her wrist and twisted Leigh’s hand behind her back forcing her to drop the knife. She pulled out the dagger and stabbed Leigh in the jugular vein. Leigh collapsed to the ground. Elena then fired a shot straight to her head.

“Nice to meet you too darling,” Elena snarled.

She retrieved her laptop, handbag and shoes from their hiding place and stepped out of the attic. She locked the door. She knew she had enough time to dispose of the bodies and the car in the estate. She wrapped the dagger in the blue silk scarf that was slung over her handbag and headed downstairs. She got into her car and drove to her favourite coffee shop. She parked her sedan neatly in the only vacant spot there and got out of the car. She straightened her skirt before reaching out for her handbag and scarf. She walked in and ordered a coffee. She found an empty table by the window, grateful that she had a splendid view of the breathtaking sunset. She sat in the Starbucks cafe, sipping her coffee and staring out of the window. The blood stained knife lay next to her handbag, covered with her blue silk scarf.

“CUT!” the director yelled jubilantly, grabbing the clapper board from his assistant and slamming it with a burst of enthusiasm. “…and it’s a wrap, pun intended!”

Not everything is what you think it is or what you assume it might be. Sometimes life is nothing but a mere illusion.


Things aren’t always perfect,
Sometimes they’ll never be,
But there are telltale signs,
That we refuse to see.

Things are always pretty,
Sometimes they are pretty lame,
You either roll with the punches,
Strike back or lose the game.

We all live behind a mask,
But few are brave to drop it,
Some continue their charade,
Coz they don’t know how to stop it.

Sometimes we need to step back,
Away from negativity,
Or get stuck in a rut, self destruct,
And be doomed for all eternity.

Sometimes we all need an angel,
To help us to our feet,
A gentle hand, a calming voice,
When life goes off beat.

(Again another experiment with verse, slight twist in the style. I love writing poetry. I love capturing my emotions, thoughts, and “eternalizing” them in verse. I write when I’m happy (and I’m happy when I write), sad, angry, indifferent. If I’m lucky I get a masterpiece.

I don’t write for praises. I don’t write for recognition. I write because this is who I am, who I have always been, the only thing I know to be. My poetry is a connection of soul to mind that leaks out on paper. Nothing egoistic. I like keeping my work simple, unplagiarized and straight from the depths of me. Poetry is an art that takes a lot of refining and it’s not something that happens overnight but it’s an art anyone willing to try, can master. I started writing poetry at the age of six and I still do not have a fixed style. When it comes to poetry I like the unprediction of the whole thing and most times I don’t know which style I will use. I go with the flow (of my pen). I still love seeing my writing on paper before it gets typed out and blogged.

The mix of “You” (which is me) and “we” which is generic and used extremely logically. I have been going in and out of depression the past five months (June has only just begun) and the poem is a capture of my feelings and the ups and downs. Sadly, I am not expressive when it comes to grieving or expressing affection. I’m quite “bottled up” to use the words my mom would say to me. The only outlet I knew was writing. So yes, this poem is not aimed at anyone in particular. It’s about taking negative situations and turning them around before insanity sinks in. It’s about rolling with the punches and getting back on your feet. And yes, I did have a few angels (not just one) who helped me through difficult times at different times this year. I also threw in a little humour here and there which I hope doesn’t get missed.

Poetry is like art. It’s complex and since it can be interpreted in a million ways plus the wrong way (the way it was not meant to sound) I thought I would explain what I was thinking while I was thinking, plotting, planning and writing the verses. The entire poem took me about 45 minutes to write and edit.)

Why Karate?

Learning Martial Arts has always been on top of my list since I saw Karate Kid (Ralph Macchio) back in 1984. After watching the movie with a bunch of friends I went home and asked if I could join karate classes and there was a volley of optimistic “she’ll grow out of this phase” responses “Join the basketball team” “Play badminton like your mom and dad!” “Swimming? No?” “Girls don’t learn karate! Ladies don’t fight!” I kept persisting every time the “You should play sports” topic arose. I was so dead keen on learning karate but no girls don’t fight, it’s not ladylike. Eventually I gave up ever learning seeing how stubborn my father was on not letting me go for classes.

Somewhere during my teens I found a karate manual. Hey! wasn’t that how Daniel Larusso started learning karate? From a manual? So it began… page by page… in the privacy of my room I tried out punches and kicks (obviously not the right way and we grew up in a YouTubeless era) hoping that I was getting it right. A friend borrowed that book and that was the last I saw of it. My DIY Karate classes came to an end. The dream lingered at the back of my head.

Now out of college and working, perhaps I could possibly save and pay for my own classes. Yes, that was a sound plan til I walked into a teak sofa that suddenly appeared out of nowhere and I dislocated my toe. The classes came to an end. Took me a good six months because doctor Me set the toe right.

Three years ago, all hopes of learning karate was lost til I shared a friend’s post. A couple of friends did start class and told me that since I shared the post I should start too. I asked my husband if I could and here I am still going for classes. Well, I did take a year off.

Karate has helped me in so many ways and I highly recommend classes for everyone.

Why Karate?

After an incident (fortunately very minor incident) that took place day before yesterday, I can’t stress enough on how important it is to know karate or any form of self defence. I am partial to Karate hence the harping on about it.

I was at the beach with my husband and a friend. We decided to have street food. The three of us stood by the stall waiting for our turn when a couple of men walked towards us. One of them had a daughter with him. As they approached us, the man with his daughter turned his back to me and started walking into me. I moved back a couple of steps and so did he. I moved sideways and he moved again, close enough to ensure there was contact both times. I moved the third time and raised my arm ready for him to make a move. He didn’t disappoint and he got a sharp elbow to the back. He spun around and I asked him where he was going. He put his head down and walked away. Smooth! no need to involve neither husband nor friend. I had enough confidence to handle myself.

Karate classes are definitely paying off. I can think of so many reasons why Karate is important but I’m only going to elaborate on what I feel are the main reasons and why I don’t want to quit.

#1. My main reason being anger management. If you have anger management hassles this is the best way to control anger. You can’t go out there and slap anyone you feel like but it teaches you control. It teaches you how to stay calm when people are in your face, pushing you to levels even you didn’t know you had. You stay calm because you are a karateka and Karate is all about discipline.

How I wish I had to start classes earlier than I did. I can safely vouch for the anger management part because I have trouble controlling my anger especially when I get pushed beyond my limits. I have what is known as the “Hulk syndrome” I blank out and I have no recollection of what was said and done during that time. In the past decade there have been a few incidents that drove me over the top but I was not training then. I usually walk away when I feel that surge of anger but sometimes it’s not possible to walk away. Karate has given me that control. I still lose my temper but I keep well within limits now and no one gets hurt. I do encounter an occasional irritant and when things get heated I do katas in my head and I keep telling myself “I’m a Karateka, I will stay calm”. It’s worked like a charm! However, there are those stray moments and people who get on my last nerve and I am learning control. However, I don’t “just” get angry, I do make it very clear that I am reaching the end of my tether and if someone decides to continue pushing me, they do so at their own risk and I tell them so very clearly. I’m definitely better at keeping my anger levels down now than I was my entire life and I have karate to thank for that.

If my mom was still around she’ll probably list out the number of things that got broken in the house because I lost control of my temper. A teak cupboard got cracked because I kicked the door with my knee (I was not training then) and the refrigerator, the door came right out I don’t know what I did but the door broke. I was incredibly puny and seeing that damage no one would have thought it could match my size. The number of plates and glasses that were smashed. Yes, definitely not proud moments for me and I’m pretty sure there must have been more damage  done in that house but I can’t remember anything more.

#2. Keeps you fit. If you’re asthmatic this is a good way to get rid of that wheezing. Carry your inhaler along in case you can’t handle the exercises but after a few months of training you probably won’t need to look at the inhaler. I’m asthmatic and training has helped there too.

#3. Self defence. You can feel safe at all times. You may not always have enough time to reach for a pepper spray or grab your taser but you can definitely be fast enough to throw in a few punches and kicks. You will definitely cause a few injuries and there are high chances you will be safe at the end of it. We live in times when no one is safe. If you’re a girl then you need to know self defence to protect yourself if you’re alone. If you’re a guy, you still need to know self defence in case you need to protect yourself or your partner. It’s just something that will always be a useful skill to acquire.

#4. Helps your reflexes and reaction time. I don’t think this needs much elaboration.

#5. Builds up confidence and not just the way you carry yourself but all round confidence but I do admit, I am incredibly shy so this is still work in progress but again, I’m far better than what I was before.

#6. The Meditation. This may not happen at every class but when it does happen it leaves you feeling calm and makes you feel like you can take on anything. This is another thing that contributes in anger management.

#7. Helps keep depression at bay.

#8. Helps overall fitness. Tones the body. After training a little more seriously than I did when I started, I have dropped a few extra pounds. Still a long way to go but yes, it helps with weight.

#9. Age doesn’t matter. You may not be able to do a complete split or you may not be able to kick higher than a foot above the ground but don’t let that deter you. Just keep practicing and you will get there with determination and grit.

All I can say is learning karate is definitely one of the best decisions I’ve made. Please do consider self defence classes of some sort, it doesn’t have to be karate. More importantly, stay safe!

Poster in our Dojo

Poster in our Dojo

For a Friend.

“Live another day,

Climb a little higher,

Find another reason to stay,

Ashes in your hands,

Mercy in your eyes,

If you’re searching for a silent sky…” – Dream Theater

Our talk today made me think of the lyrics of “Another Day” by Dream Theater. Sometimes it’s hard to wake up and live through another day. Sometimes it’s just a walk in the park. No one really understands what’s going through your mind but live another day. I know sometimes it’s hard to fill a void that has been gaping for so long and then we find something that will make us feel whole again and we cling on for all we’re worth and we know it’s worth it.

Know that tough times don’t last but tough people do. Sometimes we underestimate ourselves and feel like there’s no way out but there’s always that guiding light that will lead the way to fairer times. We’ve all had our moments, we’ve sunk so low that a way out seemed impossible but even through the darkest pit there’ll be a kind soul who’ll throw down a rope and pull us out of what seemed like a hopeless chasm of desperation.

If you’re anything like me then you’ll be a master at disguising heartache, sadness, grief and not all of us are brave enough to speak out. I’m not the best person when it comes to expressing myself but I try through my writing in the hopes there will be someone who will be reading this and saying “Hey! this is so me!” and drop me a mail and an unspoken bond is formed.

It’s strange sometimes how someone comes into our lives right out of the blue and changes things around. If we’re lucky that someone will stick around for a long time, if not then we know the person has made a difference and brought a fleeting moment of happiness.

Like you, I’ve had my fair share of what now seems like situations that were impossible to live through. When a new day dawns it’s hardly surprising that we sailed through troubled waters.

Please know that the toughest times are behind you and you don’t have to face anything on your own. There are people out there who are willing to throw you that rope and pull you out of the pit of despair. If you doubt love just look around you at the people who are always there for you, ready to stand by your side no matter what. No times are tough enough for someone who is already tough. What you’re going through, you are not alone… there are others going through the exact same things and more.

A wise person told me once “if you think you got a raw deal, just look around you and you’ll find someone who’s worse off.” You have a roof above your head, good food on the table, a partner by your side, then know that you are luckier than a lot of people out there. Take it easy and everything will fall into place, as cliched as it may sound, it’s true!

“Walk on with hope in your heart and you’ll never walk alone!” (Rodgers and Hammerstein)

(I sincerely hope this helps you through all your tough times. Be safe and stay happy always.)

May not…

I may not always call you,

We may not often greet,

But I’ll always have a broad smile,

For every time we meet.

I may not always be there,

Often times you know I can’t,

That doesn’t mean I don’t care,

I’ll have spare moments to listen to you rant.

If you need to talk,

Don’t look at the time,

You can disturb my sleep,

It’s okay I’ll be fine.

My display of affections might be missing,

My words, at times, maybe few,

But not a day goes by,

When I don’t think of you.

(I lost a dear friend today. We used to hang out together, go for swims, three close friends and one of us has passed on to another realm. I met him a couple of months ago, he smiled broadly and said we had to catch up. I promised we would. That was the last time I saw him and spoke to him. I never thought it would all turn into memories so soon.

I’m awful at telling people how much I care or that I love them and this is the only way I know best… writing. So this is my message to everyone who chooses to be a part of my life, who has stepped forward and helped me when I needed it, been my shoulder to cry on, been my ray of sunshine, everyone who has been and still is a part of my life, old friends and new, family, everyone who has seen me through every time. Everyone who has believed in me, believed I was right (you know who you are). We may not meet but you are in my thoughts, always. I will always cherish those memories.)

(Another one of those five-minute poems. I combined two styles, one where every alternate line rhymes and one where just the second and fourth line rhyme. I don’t like to stick to a fixed poetry style so there’ll always be a lot of experimenting with rhyming and non-rhyming verses.)


Sometimes, just sometimes, I love my dreams because they leave me feeling calm. Today? Today, I woke up dazed and confused. I was back in my old room, I could smell the trees that grew outside my bedroom window. I could hear the boy next door blasting music I detested. Yup! I was home. My house was intact, my dogs were all over the place. My Duchess just outside my bedroom guarding, waiting for me to open my bedroom door. The birds chirped madly as they perched on branches of the blossoming mango tree just outside my window. I could hear the children playing in the garden behind my house. Everything was normal just the way it always was. Just the way I knew. The old familiar feeling like putting a well-worn shoe. I was home!

I walked out of my room, I heard my mom pottering around in the kitchen giving orders to her help. My dad yelling at someone. Yes, things were quite normal. I stepped out of the front gate, Duchess at my heels. That shadow! I met my friends who lived next door. Everything was just the way it is supposed to be.

A perfect summer’s day, the well maintained, colourful gardens adding to the surroundings, the lavender honeysuckle creeper doing its best to sway in the breeze. The sound of happy children. Balmly breeze coaxing me to head down to the beach. I woke up! For a moment I was confused. I looked around me. Everything was unfamiliar. This is not my room. Where was that steel hospital bed? My cluttered desk? Overloaded bookshelves? Clothes and shoes bundled across the floor? Sunlight blinding me? Where was I if not home? Duchesss?

Part of me wanted to crawl back into bed and just lie there but the day had to start somewhere. Still half asleep I managed to convince myself to get out. Anytime now I’ll hear mom call out to me. Yes, I heard the dogs bark but none of them sounded like Duchess, that stunted German Shepherd who won my heart the minute our eyes met, my inseparable friend. Part of me wanted to run to the corner I knew for thirty three years and hide away.

I wanted to go home, I wanted to spend the day at home. I wanted to look into my dog’s big brown eyes, tease her to chase me around the garden looking for coconuts to play with. I wanted to walk around breathing in the air scented with a heady mix of the sea, jasmine, our old cook’s aromatic prawn curry. Those glimpses of the ocean sparkling between the palm trees. I had to be home. I missed home. I miss those empty spaces we turned into playgrounds. The trees we climbed. The roads we walked on. The sunsets from the cliffs. Running away from vigilant neighbours because we were caught sneaking around the quarry, heading towards the cemetery. Memories flooded my mind as though someone had just opened the sluice gates!

Oh to be home for just a few hours…

These dreams can really suck the reality out of you!

The battles within

The Battles Within

Perfect from the outside,
Broken from the inside,
Do the cracks show?
Does everyone know?

Can they see it in your eyes,
Hidden behind your smile?
Your hurt, did it go away?
Or was it cast aside for another day?

Did you hide behind your closed doors?
Your best friend, did she know,
The secrets you locked within,
Or did you tell your children?

You taught them all to trust people,
Who see the pain behind a smile
And the tears that hide
Behind bright eyes.

The battles within will never be known,
The sadness? That too will never be shown.
In the end everyone’s alone.

(Written on the 22nd of March for a very special person who will never read this.)

It’s true, we do not know what someone else is going through. As normal as they seem from the outside, the smiles, the laughter are great masks to hide everything that’s broken inside. I knew a person like that once and she hid her sadness from the world. Her best friend knew everything, I found out later. It’s so easy to judge someone “Oh you look so normal! You are not sad!” Then again, there are a few people who see the smile and know there’s untold pain behind it.