It’s been a while…

I just happened to check my blog today and I was mortified to see that my last entry was made on the 16 of August 2021! That’s close to two years ago. Where did all the time go?

Quick recap in a seashell (intentional joke because of my profession)… Shortly after my dog Captain Nemo died (02 August 2021) my father died (25 August 2021) and I got to hear about it from a childhood friend. I hadn’t met my dad in a while but it was comforting to know he was still around. I had planned to celebrate his birthday with him that year and let bygones be bygones (I will be writing about this in my book at a later stage) and give both of us closure. Perhaps he needed it more than I did considering the stories I heard later but I guess the Fates were against us. Days turned into weeks and weeks turned into months, I immersed myself in my dream job. I got a promotion four months after my dad died. Along with that promotion came a transfer. Long commutes and long working hours. Months slid into years. Just like that two years disappeared. I had a major bout of Asthma last year and it took me six months to recover completely from it and to regain my strength. Barely recovered from that and there was another injury which I’m still recovering from. On the plus side, work has been amazing! We launched my department. I love my job. The long work hours and long commutes keep me busy. I have two books in WIP Mode, planned and drafted.

Now I’m back and hopefully I will blog more often. I’m definitely going to do the “30 days of gratitude challenge” in August.

How Do You Say Goodbye?

There’s so much I can say about this dog. Write a book. Write a poem but the words wouldn’t come close to how I feel. I should write a book and maybe someday I will but for now I will satisfy myself by licking old wounds that got opened up. How do you say “goodbye”? to a living being that meant so much to you? The love was so intense and so deep, the bond was so real that at times it left one speechless. He made me feel safe. Now with everything that’s been going on I don’t know how to feel safe anymore. I knew he had my back and I knew he had a vicious bite. And now? Now I don’t know. He was so close fourteen. Slow, aging, missing teeth but still had quite a fight in him. My 2007-2008 pack has crossed the Rainbow Bridge. It’s been a long ride, the end was tough and sad for the both of us in more ways than one. I loved this boy. He’ll always be the one who saved my life three times. Stories that I will never tire of narrating.

Through the years I have always had special bonds with all my pets, with all the critters I interacted with. I would get followed by random animals. This was something that would freak my friends out at times and other times they would marvel at the way animals would just somehow gravitate to me. My bond with Nemo was equally special. When I was told about him I didn’t hesitate to agree to take the dog in. For the first time in my life I did not ask my father for permission to get a dog and I kept him in my bedroom, hidden, for an entire week until my father realized there was a pup in there. I thought I was in trouble but when my dad saw this butterball of a dog he immediately fell in love with it and even kept the pup with him for a few hours everyday. My pup loved my dad. The two of them would play. I could hear my dad burst into laughter at Nemo’s antics. I wasn’t the only one bonding with the chubster.

This dog was my companion. I had to move out of my parents’ home and the dog moved with me. For that first week neither of us slept. He stayed awake, sat at my feet and stared at the door. Knowing he was restless I stayed awake too. I was restless. This was a permanent move and perhaps the dog was unsettled because I was. That week slipped by and we got into the swing of things and I even got another pup which was purely unplanned. All hell broke loose but it was so much fun to watch. Two siblings from different litters bonded immediately. She took over everything he had including his favourite spots and he more than willingly allowed her. She could even take food out of his mouth and he wouldn’t react. Such was the bond between Nemo and Narnia.

Nemo was a special dog in every possible sense there is. He was a single litter pup and that was rare. It was also one of the reasons why I took him in without a second of hesitation. What a dog he turned out to be! One day when I was about to head out to check on my apartment, the doorbell rang. Thinking it was someone who had mistaken the door for the doctor’s door my first instinct was to ignore it. I answered it anyway. It turned out to be a Jehovah’s Witness. I was already running late and politely told the man that I was heading out. He insisted on entering the apartment. I said I had to leave and began closing the door. He put his foot through the door and began pushing the door open. All this while Nemo was sitting peacefully on my bed and watching me intently. I told the man that if he didn’t leave I would call my dog and I would have no responsibility if he got bitten. He couldn’t see the dog from that angle. I whistled and Nemo came bounding to me. Without waiting for a command he lunged forward. I’ve never seen a grown man move so quickly. The man shut the door and rushed away.

Shamelessly, he returned the next day with his wife and son. I was heading out and told him so. Again he refused. He put his foot in the door. I whistled to Nemo. The dog approached them and got ready to pounce when the man closed the door and nudged the woman and boy with him down the flight of stairs. I was a little shaken up since it was my first time on my own and I was out in the wild world.

Soon we were a family of four. Nibbles, Narnia, Nemo and me. Nibbles came along on the 15th of April 2008. It felt right. The setup. The four of us. These three were inseparable. Narnia and Nemo were always together and Nibbles was always by my side. I couldn’t imagine what life would be without one of them leave alone not having all three. I dreaded the day when all three would be memories.

Now Nemo is just another memory. One that I will always cherish for as long as I live.

• 

I started writing this tribute several times and I had to take breaks. I just couldn’t. I kept breaking down. I miss this boy so much. The girls are doing fine without him but then they barely had a year with him. I had a lifetime and two shifts with this guy. I was so shattered I didn’t have my head straight for a few days. If you’re a pet owner you will be able to relate. Pets are so precious and fill our lives with everything happy.

Run free and happy, Nemo! Till we meet again on the Rainbow Bridge.

Breathe Deep

I can do this all day! (if you get the reference!)

I’m lucky I get to stare at this view all day, everyday except on Tuesday which is my day off.

No one’s allowed into the water and I’m quite strict at my point but today I made an exception. I saw a lady enter at my point with her arms wide open as if she wanted the universe to hug her. I froze holding the whistle in my hand. I watched her. She entered the water, didn’t go beyond ankle deep water, she threw her head back, her arms open wide. That’s a lady who needed a break, an escape, she stood there in the water for ten minutes and I gave her the time. I don’t know if she saw me. She turned and walked away.

Sometimes we need a big hug from the universe just to feel like we’re not alone, even if it’s in that moment. I could feel what she was feeling. The look on her face spoke a thousand words. It felt like a silent cry for help.

Sometimes we need to let things be, believe, and just breathe, breathe deep, long and slow.

Just Like Mum…

Tomorrow is Mother’s Day and I decided to do an early post.

I’m going to start with… I miss my mum. Sometimes a little more and sometimes not at all. Today was one of the days I missed her a little more.

When I was growing up, I swore I never wanted to be like mum. When my dad yelled at her she would just stand there and take it in silence. I’d pull her aside and ask her why she was so weak and submissive. She told me that sometimes it’s better to remain silent just to have peace in the house. I still thought she was weak and then I got married. When I would get yelled at I’d stay quiet quite often. Today that hit me… I’m just like mum! I wanted peace. But this is not the story I want to focus on, I just needed an introduction.

I kept having flashbacks right through the morning while I was scurrying around getting my stuff together for work. Most days I’m in a tearing rush and not because I am not organized. I try to do multiple things at one time to save time. The lockdown timings that have just been laid down have upset my entire schedule and will need some getting used to. I do my shopping on my way home from work but with the lockdown timings I have to get things done before work and so far there have been queues which has delayed me with the other chores and I am forced to tear around the house like a mad hatter.

Time came to cook my lunch. I whipped out my old frying pan and got cracking quite literally. The eggs I cracked stuck to the bottom of my pan. As I scraped off as much as I could, I looked at the cupboard below my counter where a whole set of new pots and pans lie but they are too good to use! That hit me again! I’m just like my mum!

My dad gifted her with a top model rice cooker but it was too good to use. She had a Kenwood mixer what the pros use but that was too good too! Neither of these cooking things worked and I was gifted with the mixing bowl which I treasured until it broke. I turned to pack my lunch and reached out for a plastic bag that was kept in a bag full of bags! I sighed! I’m so mum!

And there’s one more thing… I divide my food in portions to freeze, I wash and reuse the plastic bags… You guessed it… Just like my mum did!

So much for all the conscious efforts of trying not to be her I subconsciously became her! Just like her, I’d run to my enemy if they needed help. Dad used to call her shameless. She didn’t like to see people suffer. If a neighbour was sick mum would rush over with a bouquet from her garden and a share of our meal cooked by my mum’s very talented cook. She had a cook because she couldn’t cook! I made sure I knew basics before I shifted to my own place. Definitely not like mum in this department but if I may say so… desserts are where my heart is… just like Mum!

• 

  Mum loved having trees or flowers in the background for some obscure reason.

• 

  Mum and me singing a duet. Sometime in the early 90s.

The truth of the matter is no matter how hard we try, sometimes, just sometimes, some traits pop out from our subconscious and right into the open! I made a conscious effort not to be like either of my parents. I got my dad’s hot temper but like mum I avoid unnecessary altercations. If my mum chose to fight she would make the other person feel quite miserable. Once she walked away, it was a forever thing. Nothing anyone could say or do that would make her change her mind.

Get Out!

I decided to write this piece mainly to help people see the red flags early in a relationship rather than waiting until it’s too late. Ignoring the warning signs can lead to a lot of damage when it comes to psychological and emotional abuse. It is insidious and most times the victim doesn’t realize what is going on until it’s too late. I thought I would make a comprehensive list of red flags. If you see more than a couple of warnings please get in touch with a counsellor. Most times we ignore the warning signs and brush them off thinking that it is a phase. No, it is not a phase. If there are more than two signs you can bet your bottom dollar that things will get progressively worse over time.

1. When your significant other insists on controlling finances leaving you without any money especially what you earn… Get out!
2. When your significant other controls your schedule, your diet, your wardrobe, your work timings, your sleep, your friend circle… Get out!
3. When you significant other makes you question your reality (Gaslights)… Get out!
4. When you significant other ridicules and publicly humiliates you… Get out!
5. When you significant other intentionally withholds information from you… Get out!
6. When your significant other lies to you constantly for no reason at all… Get out!
7. When your significant other name-calls you… Get out!
8. When you significant other makes you do all the chores in the house while they have a good time… Get out!
9. When your significant other disrespects you and does not take your feelings and views into consideration… Get out!
10. When your significant other lies about you and carries twisted versions of home secrets out of the house… Get out!
11. When your significant other turns people against you by telling them lies about you… Get out!
12. When your significant other allows people to bully, harass, name-call, abuse, and belittle you… Get out!
13. When your significant other doesn’t stop the opposite sex from flirting with them… Get out!
14. When your significant other isn’t supportive of you at all… Get out!
15. When your significant other ignores you and acts like you don’t exist… Get out!
16. When your significant other acts like it’s your duty to serve them… Get out!

I will add to this list as time goes by but for now I think this is good enough because it covers the important red flags.

Breaking The Silence – Episode 1 – The Accident

This post is about how important it is to choose the right friends and how “new” friends can possibly create issues in a marriage. One must take several factors into consideration especially if “close” friendship is to be formed. What’s the age difference? This is crucial if you want to share personal details about your relationship. These friends must be in a similar phase as you are. There’s no way in hell someone fresh out of college has the maturity to give relationship and worse still, marital advice. Yes, it’s basic common sense, I know. Next point, how do these friends enhance your life, are they creating problems in the home front or do they respect your marriage enough to butt the eff out of it? Let’s just say common sense everywhere went on a hike.

Imagine a scenario where you meet with an accident, you have no idea where your spouse is because they refused to tell you where they were going to be, you can’t reach them in an emergency, you can’t reach any of the people you assume they could be with, you call your closest friends instead and they help you get to the hospital. An hour later you still can’t get through to your spouse and you need to be wheeled in for emergency surgery. Something out of a horror story perhaps?  Well here’s what happened…

Four years ago, on this day (April 14 2017), I met with a freak accident (I won’t go into unnecessary details). I had a nasty fall, dislocated and fractured my right ankle. It was midday on Good Friday and there was no one in sight, not a soul. I had just finished my first batch of swimming classes of that summer and I was heading home to change and rush to a friend’s place for lunch since my husband was out with his friends. I had no idea where he was.

I tried calling him, no reply, I called his friends, no reply, I called his mother, his uncle, his aunt, all were out of coverage area. I wasn’t carrying my wallet that day so I decided not to call for the ambulance. My only option now was to call my best friends. One was out of the country and I knew the other was busy. Gritting my teeth because I hate asking for help, I dialed her number, told her I met with a “small” accident, she immediately requested her husband to help. He dropped everything and rushed to my aid while she made an appointment with my doctor. Fortunately, she had his number because I didn’t. My other close friend rushed to the scene with her children. Together we went to the hospital where another group of friends were waiting.

I met the doctor. Out of habit, I self-diagnosed. I told him that my leg was dislocated and fractured and asked if I’d have to have surgery? He smiled and told me to wait for the X-ray results to confirm injuries. Turned out I was almost right. The dislocation was confirmed and there were three fractures, not one. Emergency surgery was required. I had to have one family member to confirm surgery. Everyone called and no one’s call got answered. One hour and fiftyish calls later I get a call. My battery was low by then. All I said was “I met with an accident. I’m at Healthway.” I still had no idea where he was.

He came, we discussed surgery, I chose to get the operation done at Healthway because the surgeon had been my doctor for almost ten years.

I was wheeled into the OT (I’ll leave this story for another day) and underwent a two and a half hour operation.

Now during the surgery, two super sloths… I mean… sleuths… let’s just call them The Hardly Boys (because it hardly took any effort to ruin someone’s life), took it into their heads that I was lying about how I met with an accident so they decide to go to the scene of my “crime” and carry out a thorough investigation. They couldn’t find the spot possibly because there was no X marking it and reported back that I was indeed lying. No logical reasoning, no rationalization of what my motives for lying about an accident could be; I was slapped with an accusation.

No seriously, you don’t like someone so you decide to mess up their lives. That’s just brilliant! It’s a marriage we’re talking about, people. Not a high school crush or a walk in the park. Why create further issues when there was no necessity? Worse still, their convincing powers must have been bang on.

Surgery and all sorted. I got a brand new titanium rod in my ankle. I was discharged from the hospital on Easter Sunday. I was finally home.

A few days later I got to hear about how I supposedly lied about my accident because the spot I described apparently doesn’t exist. I challenged and said I could show them all the exact spot and even now, four years later I will still know although the entire place has been levelled out. Challenge not accepted. But hey, if I was lying please call me out on my bovine feculence by all means and I might even respect you. Put your money where your big mouth is!

People who go out of their way to create problems for others are lower than vermin and rodents. Whatever happens, one never ever allows friends or anyone to bad mouth their spouse. If friends respected you enough they never would trash talk about your spouse in the first place. It’s a double-barrel gun.

I’m talking about people who would hang out at my place, spend endless hours and then create issues. People who would smile on my face. If I don’t like someone there is no way I’m ever going to set foot in their house leave alone anything else. These actions floored me.

How my Summer ended before it had barely begun.

Did they not think before opening their oral orifices? We think she’s lying but why would she or anyone for that matter lie about an accident? What does she stand to gain from lying and more importantly what do we gain from accusing her of lying? Why would she lie? It’s summer, she has her swimming classes, she’s always busy, there’s no way she would jeopardize her entire summer by meeting with an accident that was fatal enough to require surgery. Do people not have cognitive powers? Do their brains just go to sleep and let their motor mouths run unattended to? What’s the deal?

If I can fracture my thumb untying a shoelace (and there is a witness who can testify. I will leave this story for another day. I could probably write a book on all my freak accidents) why can’t I get my foot lodged between two rocks? How impossible is that? My feet were wet, my floaters were wet (and I was supposed to wear new ones that day but chose not to even though I knew I should have), I keeled forward, twisted my body to save my head from banging the hood of a car, and that’s when I lost complete control. My foot and floater slipped in two opposite directions and I fell landing on my ankle. My foot was already twisted inwards. Yes, four years later and the details stay unchanged.

Friends really shouldn’t interfere in matters that do not concern them. Yes, I understand, fresh out of university, no entertainment, and this was the best they could do. Yes, I’m being sarcastic.

I wanted to talk about this for so long now. How detrimental a friendship can be to both the home and marriage. Choose friends well, especially the ones you meet after marriage. Ensure that your friends are in the same phase of life as you are and more importantly, they are on the same page as you are. If they are causing fights and issues at home don’t rethink your marriage but rethink your friend circle. You’ve known your spouse much longer than these new “friends” who know absolutely nothing about your spouse. Not their past, not their present, not what they could be battling behind closed doors. The moment friends begin to trash talk about your spouse that friendship ends right there! No second thoughts. True friends would respect your relationship and know that it takes two hands to clap. Keep your circle clean, keep your inner circle cleaner.

The reason why I chose to speak up is because I want to create an awareness of how outside forces can destroy inside peace. I want to break the silence. No, it’s not the spouse but the friend circle. Never let friends bad mouth your spouse. Both of you have your faults and strengths and it’s no one’s business about what happens behind closed doors. Even if you do share “your side” of events it still doesn’t give anyone the right to judge your spouse and worse still accuse them of things they had no intentions of doing. This is just preposterous. No matter who enters your life, your spouse, your family should always come first. No matter what your internal differences are, never expose them to friends who can use this information, twist things and make your spouse look like a villain. They see where the weak links lie and break them with unstoppable force.

Remember, you married your spouse when these friends were nowhere close to being in the picture. You chose them as your partner and they chose you. Every marriage, every relationship has flaws, problems, unresolved issues but by involving outsiders you are giving them the leeway to ruin a marriage when the both of you could have dealt with your differences through healthy communication. Communicate directly with your spouse about them instead of telling everyone else. You choose to lie to your spouse because of your friends. You have to live with your spouse and not your friends. Both of you share a roof and a life together. It’s in your hands to break the cycle. Friends come and go but remember who stood by your side every step of the way. Who forgave you no matter how you rejected them. Who supported you through your heartaches and difficulties, who has always been by your side no matter what happened. That’s the one your loyalties should lie with.

The Electricity Department And Me

I’ve waited eleven years and eleven months to talk about this. I’m going to talk about my torrid love affair (curious about where this is heading?) with the electricity department. Today I get to talk about it all in detail and name names. A lot of you know about the hell I’ve been through with them. I did make a few posts in the past. Right through it all, I promised myself that if it didn’t get settled the way it should have been I am going to talk about it. And trust me, it is not for attention, I get more than enough attention at work.

The Bill

It all began one February morning with a bill of 1,86,000/- rupees… a ONE month bill of ONE LAKH EIGHTY THOUSAND RUPEES. When I first saw the bill I thought I was reading the number wrong because I had not worn my specs. So I called the man to double-check. I did read the number right! This was our first trip to the Taleigao substation or whatever it’s called.

AE John

This was when I met AE John! Remember this name. He was in office. I took the bill with me and approached him politely. I told him that there was an error and requested to have the bill rectified. He admitted there was an error and told me that I would have to pay the entire amount and then fight for the actual correction. I asked him how it was possible to run up such a big bill. He told me I have a FACTORY in my home. I then proceeded to ask him how an 80 sq. mtr. apartment could have a factory that was using such a lot of power. At this point, my level of patience began to drop. Keeping a calm tone I invited him home for tea and told him to feel free to find the factory in my home and I added that I would throw in some cake as well. He kept insisting that we pay the one lakh bill. I refused. I fought for a bill reduction and after a long time he reduced it to 80 thousand, I fought some more and it came down to sixty thousand, I fought some more and brought it down to forty thousand, I didn’t back down and he got it down to twenty and said he was stopping here and I would have to pay. Of course, I refused. I went to the billing department and they said they had just got new software for the billing and it was faulty. They said they know my bill was wrong but only the AE (John) could authorize the change. I refused to pay the 20k! I kept going to him with a letter, he would see me and start yelling, and this went on for months. Months turned to years and… AE John got transferred and along came Kutikar. I didn’t know and still don’t know who the bigger nightmare was. The story was the same but the characters were now new. I had to deal with Kutikar. AE John is now leading a happy, retired life.

AE Kutikar

Last Wednesday (January 17) I went to meet AE Kutikar. The moment he saw me enter he started yelling. He told me that he was not going to listen to anything I had to say and that he was going to cut my power. I tried explaining to him that I was out of work right through lockdown and that I now had a job and I could commit to paying. He still refused to listen. I told him that I was a lifeguard and I was on duty through the week and I get one weekday off. He wouldn’t budge. I went to work the next day and when I returned I saw there was no electricity. I had to do without electricity for five days. Now imagine a single woman living without electricity for five days. I explained to him that I was single and I was living alone and he chose not to listen. I have two more bills to be corrected and I want to hear some more epic excuses like “you have a factory in the house”, “your dogs were guarding the metre box”, “you open and close the refrigerator door constantly!”, “I know you! You are Dempo-Souza. This bill is nothing for you! Just pay it!” (LOL what the actual F!) “You have bad character because you are not paying the bill!” (a 1,86,000 electricity bill for ONE MONTH! Sorry for not paying that humongous amount!) Yes, I wish I was kidding! They’re obviously not made up because I’d never come up with such ridiculous nonsense! This is the way officials spoke. I told Kutikar that I would be forced to take up the matter seriously if I had no electricity, He told me to do whatever I wanted but he wasn’t going to give me electricity. This is how people get bullied and harassed by people in power.

My Silence

Why did I bite my tongue for so long? Good question! I was hoping for an amicable settlement for their mistake. They KNEW it was their mistake, they KNEW the billing system was faulty but AE John did nothing to change it. It is said that he purposely left it the way it was. However, records were tampered with and changed. I had to deal with such rudeness and humiliation! Worse still, get yelled at! These are the type of crassy people that get hired. The main reason for putting this post up is to highlight how people get harassed, bullied and yelled at for not paying the bills. No one should have to be bullied to pay wrong bills that are not their fault. People in high positions should not be allowed to bully people from the lower classes. Your power cannot be cut without prior notice being given to you asking you to pay within a time frame. I ran from pillar to post to get this bill sorted.

The Reason For This Blog

When this whole issue with the billing began I had made up my mind to go public about it as soon as it ended. It ended today and I think I need to create an awareness about what has happened. How we have to suffer at the hands of the electricity department. How things are hidden and twisted in there. I was told that they have been given monthly targets that they have to meet at any cost. If we’re getting big bills, well, here’s one of the reasons. They are also being forced to collect all dues irrespective of whether the fault is theirs or not. They target the middle class families. High class families have run up bills in lakhs but they are chasing after the middle class families. Probably because they know that the middle class families will pay out of desperation. The rich wouldn’t care less. Slip a few big ones towards the authorities and everything will go unnoticed. I want justice! I want an apology because eleven years and eleven months of my life have been ruined trying to get a settlement here. My basic human rights were violated and I want that man to be taken to task. I want answers. I want to know why records were tampered with, why numbers disappeared and made to appear like there never was a problem in the first place. I want people to take responsibility for their actions. I want this to end. No one should have to go through what I did with the electricity department. I want to create an awareness of what happens behind the scenes. I want compensation for the amount of food I lost and the delay I have had to grit my teeth through.

The good thing is that this is finally over but not put to rest because I believe the world needs more positivity.

Justice Will Be Served!

Dear I-Don’t-Know-What-To-Call-You

Dear I-Don’t-Know-What-To-Call-You

Dear I-Don’t-Know-What-To-Call-You

Because monsters have no face,

The real you lurks behind closed doors,

Safely hidden without a trace.

Dear I-Don’t-Know-What-To-Call-You

Because I don’t know who you are.

You’re abusive, cold and cruel,

You were my hero, my shining star.

Dear I-Don’t-Know-What-To-Call-You

The monster under my bed

Lying in wait hidden in the shadows,

The beast messing with my head.

Dear I-Don’t-Know-What-To-Call-You

You are not who you used to be,

The one who shared my roof, my bed,

I once called you “Family”. 

Dear I-Don’t-Know-What-To-Call-You

You are not who they see,

They will never know the real you

Half as well as me.

You know you are pretentious

And what they see is just an act,

You’re parading as someone you

Are not and you know that’s a fact.

Dear I-Don’t-Know-What-To-Call-You

You used to be my guiding light,

The trusty beacon leading me home

On a dark and moonless night.

Dear I-Don’t-Know-What-To-Call-You

But you meant the world to me

I’m so glad you chose to walk away

And let me run free.

Dear I-Don’t-Know-What-To-Call-You

But no matter how good you can be

You will always remain an abuser to me.

(This poem is dedicated to everyone who has faced Domestic Violence especially psychological abuse (this is really tough to overcome physical wounds heal, the mental ones are invisible and the pain takes longer to go away), has been victim shamed, has been blamed, has been subjected to gaslighting, smear campaigns, flying monkeys, lies, silent treatment, invalidation, forced to be alone, ridiculed publicly, humiliated. Know that you are a survivor and a warrior. You were stronger than them, you rose above them and they had to clip your wings. Don’t let anyone dim your light!)

(I had written this poem a while back and refrained from publishing it because it didn’t feel right. I wanted to publish this on the 3rd of December but I didn’t feel it was quite ready to be made public at that point. Now it feels right.

If you can relate to this post in any way, feel free to get in touch with me. I’d be happy to discuss this topic with you.)

My Name is Charmaine…

My name is Charmaine and I am a survivor,

My story has begun but it doesn’t end here,

I want to live, breathe and feel free,

I want to explore, go on adventures and live without fear,

I want to escape to a place I can be me.

Breathe, believe, be me, be free!

My name is Charmaine and I won’t let my past pin me down,

I’ll move forward with strength, wisdom, and grit,

I’ll paste a smile on my face and straighten my crown

Face whatever comes my way and get through it.

My name is Charmaine and the present is mine,

I’m moving forward with hope

I want to shine

Braving whatever the past had to give

Now in the future it’s my turn to live.

• 

  Still I rise…

This poem is dedicated to everyone who has had to endure domestic violence and has emerged stronger than ever. The truth is no one will ever know what goes on behind closed doors and will assume and judge by what they see. That’s okay. You lived your truth and survived it all and that’s what matters in the end. Their lies do not define who you are. Their abuse defines them not you. You survived a day, a week, a month, a year, a decade… keep going! Your story doesn’t end here. Define your own way. There’s so much life to live. It’s okay to start over. It’s just like falling in the middle of a race. You pick yourself up, dust the mud off and keep running. Get out there and shine the brightest you possibly can. Let your light blind them! Break the silence!

Psychological abuse is insidious and most times the victim doesn’t even realize that they are being subjected to abuse until it’s too late. If you have survived psychological abuse then you are already a warrior in my eyes. Keep rising!

The poem was inspired by “Thirteen Reasons Why“. If you’ve watched all the seasons you’ll know where I’m coming from. As controversial as it might be; I think everyone needs to watch it. If you are or have been a victim of bullying, you will definitely be able to relate to this serial on some level.

Beaten

I ran all the way home from the playground without stopping. The older boys had beaten me up a little worse than they usually did but I still managed to muster enough strength to run as far as I could from them.

I knew my mother would be the next one to thrash me for getting into a fight which was ironical, if you know what I mean. But I had no choice. I couldn’t tell her the real reason the boys picked on me.

We were the poorest on the block, my mother was a sex worker and I had no idea who my biological father is. This is a massive taboo in my society. The kids would call me “Stinky the Pooh”, “Smellind” (my name is Milind), “the bathless wonder”, “the Ren and Stinky show”, these are the slightly better names.

I kept looking over my shoulder to see if I was being followed. The coast was clear. I saw the boys huddled up together as if they were plotting my next round of torture. I shuddered partly out of the fear of facing my mother’s wrath and partly over what had happened.

Today was different. Today they got iron rods instead of their regular punching, hitting and kicking me to the ground.

I opened the rickety gate cautiously and looked around for my mother. She was drawing water from the well. She must have been engrossed because she didn’t hear me. Judging by the number of buckets she had to fill, I knew I’d have enough time to wash up and hide the bloodied and torn clothes.

I slid in through the door and went straight to the bathroom. The sounds of the rods raining blows on my body echoed in my head. The pain was so intense that I couldn’t tell which part of me was hurting.

I washed up well making sure there was no evidence of blood. I looked in the small cracked mirror that was placed above a broken sink. There was no blood, no bruises, I looked completely fine.

I stood on the bath stool and peeped out of the small window close to the ceiling. Mother was still drawing water from the well.

I went to my bedroom, rummaged through a small rusted trunk that was kept under the bed and pulled out a fresh pair of shorts and a t-shirt. I then proceeded towards the front door. I stepped out apprehensively and began the walk towards my mother.

Someone came to our gate. It looked like Jairam. Jairam was also like me but less smarter so the other boys didn’t look at him as a threat.

“What’s he doing here?” I frowned.

He ran to my mother. He seemed almost hysterical about something. I walked towards them.

“Aunty-ji, you need to come with me,” I heard him say.

“Jai, what’s the matter?” I asked but they had already run out of the gate.

I ran after them. I saw my mother wiping her hands on her pink sari as she ran, the bun she had tied her hair in had become lose and her hair cascaded down her waist. My mother was beautiful.

They were heading towards the playground. The boys were still there huddled up in a circle. They looked like they were discussing something.

My mother charged towards them and pushed them aside and dropped to her knees. She cradled a mangled heap of blood and bones in her arms. I moved closer.

“Amma,” I tapped her lightly on her shoulder. “Amma, I’m okay, don’t worry. I’m right here by your side.”

My mother looked up at the skies and let out a bloodcurdling scream.

“Murderers! You killed my son,” she hollered. “Why? Why did you do that? Why did you kill him?”

“What? No!” I was stunned. “Amma, I’m here. I’m okay.”

My mother wept hysterically as she rocked back and forth. I looked down at her arms. The face was bloodied it was hard to recognise who she was holding. That was the shirt I had on when I left the house, it was torn now and soaked with blood. That was me she was holding. I was the mangled heap of blood and bones.

(Experimented with a slightly different style. Decided to Indianise this story a bit. The first paragraph and part of the second was from a writing prompt and I built from there.)

(Say “No” to bullying!)