In the dentist’s chair…

For some obscure reason I am mortified of dentists, the very thought of sitting in the dentist’s chair makes me break out in a cold sweat. Maybe it was the dentist in Calcutta we were dragged to for check ups, I don’t know. When I think back to Dr. Chang’s (we would call him that, he was Chinese) dingy clinic I don’t know whether I want to laugh or cry. His chair was one of the old manual ones you have to crank up. Images of everything else are rather obscure but that chair was turned into a toy everytime we had to go there. My brother and I would take turns to raise the chair and lower it. Even back in the 80′s it seemed like something out of a horror movie. He was also known for having removed the wrong teeth. Luckily I have never had any major dental hassles so I could safely avoid going to dentists.

A few weeks back my husband had an inflamed gum and it turned out that he had an impacted wisdom tooth. Since we were at the dentist I decided to get my teeth checked. I thought I had mouth ulcers but it turned out that I had crooked wisdom teeth that were lacerating my cheeks. I was told they had to go and not only that but the lower ones had to go as well. The thought of an extraction damn near killed me. My mind was screaming a deafening “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” My head was saying it was the right thing to do and my mouth decided to tell the doctor that I would wait a few weeks.

The days flew by, everytime I ate I got new cuts in my cheek and finally when I woke up on Sunday morning my gum had inflamed. I was in immense pain, I could barely open my mouth and it was time to make an appointment for an extraction. Without anytime to get myself mentally prepared for this I was a little hyper. Monday morning began as usual with me heading out for my Karate class. I returned home and started preparing for what I assumed would be a painful experience. I grew more and more nervous with every passing second. It was then time to leave. The pain was quite excruciating and I knew that the right thing to do was to get that tooth out.

We arrived at the clinic. My husband was all praises for Dr. Sandeep Guliya’s finesse at extractions. I must admit I was still skeptical at this point not forgetting the nervousness, the fear, I was a mental wreck for something as infinitesimal as an extraction. Poor me! The moment of truth had arrived and I was trying to make myself comfortable on the dentist’s chair. I felt as though there were a million butterflies in my stomach that were trying to break free. The procedure was explained to me. The odds of things going wrong were blatantly laid out. My mind was whirling with what-ifs.

I got my first shot of local anesthesia (not something I was new to… but that CHAIR!) and I waited for it to kick in. When Dr. Sandeep started the procedure I could feel the pain a bit but that was mind over matter or as my husband puts it “my love to defy science”. Lucky me I got some more anesthesia and I couldn’t feel a thing. The procedure began and ended and I was clueless.

My husband walked in and he and the doctor had a discussion while I sat there thinking I still had to get my tooth extracted. Finally the two men broke into laughter and said it was over. A wave of relief swept over me. It was not as painful as my mind perceived it to be, in fact it was not painful at all. The only pain were the abrasions in my cheek from before the tooth came out. So basically all the energy I spent in fear was completely wasted. I will now be able to eat without anymore discomfort of getting cut and the best part is I will know what to expect the next time and I found a “painless” dentist!

The truth does come out… eventually.

Sometimes we think we know people but do we really know them as well as we think we do? I always admired my mom’s “once-upon-a-time” best friend (the one she had when I was growing up). I thought she was a true role model, someone who gave “woman of substance” real meaning. Just before my wedding my opinion changed in the blink of an eye. Today, it all got washed down the drain. Really? That was who I admired? What was I thinking? There were just two people who I expected would step forward to take mom’s place on my wedding day and sadly those were the two people who tried to wreck my wedding but that’s another story for another blog.

It’s truly amazing how the truth does reveal itself in the end. I might have been in the right place at the right time this evening and I did get my doubts that were logically analysed cleared.  It’s really odd how people you looked up to as a child actually turn out to be terrible adults when you grow up. I happened to go to the Super market to do some last minute groceries and I happened to bump into one of my parents’ friends from years gone by. We got talking and it was quite refreshing to know that he is not one of the mindless drones who fell for some vicious lies being spread about my husband and me. People who have known me all their lives were almost swayed by the sweet talk til they clarified the rumours with me which I personally thought was a good thing. This person doesn’t even know my husband at all to even pass any sort of judgment. She has never spent anytime with him to get to know him but without even exchanging a couple of pleasantries she has profiled better than a Criminal Psychologist would have done!

I know that those who know me well enough, especially the people who saw me grow from a baby to adulthood and the people who grew up with me and spent time with me on the playground, getting in and out of trouble with me, fought me,, were best buddies, they will know that I have never sought after things I felt I did not deserve. I agree people change with time but the core character of a person remains the same. I’ve always been honest, I’ve stood up to bullies, I’ve fought my friends’ battles with them, I’ve always been a loyal friend and a noble enemy (if I’ve had to be that). Never once have I asked for more than my share or even wanted more than I fairly deserved.

Around our wedding time, bad enough I had to deal with no family being there (another story because this is in a league of its own) but I had to deal with unfair rumours flying around about my husband and me. People imagining what we were, assuming what we were and then talking about what we were. People I had neither been in touch with nor spoken to in a long shot. I thought it was really brilliant the way they claimed to know me so well. Yes, I had changed, I grew up, I became more mature but greedy has never been in my list of character traits… hot tempered, yes! Feisty… definitely! Brutally honest… I had my foot in my mouth constantly. I was insanely loyal to people I loved and cared about and that has not changed one single bit… but greedy? Me? Okay that was a bit of a surprise to me when I heard this.

I always had my doubts about my mom’s best friend, but to hear about her trying to sabotage our wedding by going out of her way to make phone calls just to bad mouth my husband and me with nonsensical lies, was just something else. I had already been dealing with so much that evening but to hear the playback of some of the stuff she had to say about me was really absurd. A woman who has seen me grow up and knew me to be honest actually thought I was avaricious? From which angle? I always thought that she was a smart woman but to listen to one side of a story and then act on it isn’t exactly something that would turn her into Einstein, especially when the one side was just a big lie. Maybe senility is setting in, who knows?

I have my faults but wrecking someone’s wedding out of a vendetta that was not even mine to begin with, is not something I would do neither would I expect anyone do it. It’s the way the truth came out in the end, how the entire situation was revealed. I didn’t know if I wanted to be upset or brush it off. All this time it was a speculation and today it gets turned to fact. I always knew my mom was not a very good judge of character and by Jove! did she know how to choose people to play her “best friend” role. I couldn’t have picked them better than she did.

The good thing is at least my best friend was there to save the day and hold me up. I honestly do not know how I would have made it through without her. Things did go better than my mom’s best friend had planned despite her efforts and the trouble she took over making phone calls to make a bunch of lies sound legit.

It’s just that everytime I see her best friend’s face I remember the day and somehow I can’t imagine how someone can look me in the eye and greet me as though nothing ever happened. Either she doesn’t know what she’s done or she sees nothing wrong in trying to ruin someone’s wedding. What normal person would actually want to do something like that?

It’s been two and a half years almost and the truth finally seeped out of the cracks and revealed itself, turning all doubts into fact. Now here’s another chapter in my life I can put to rest… “A parent’s unwanted best friend”! Like my Grandfather used to say “It takes all types to make the world go round!” and my reply used to be “I’m sure the world could do with less of the nasty types!”

Stay blessed always and keep away from all negative people… life is so much happier and peaceful without jealous people, people just waiting to bring you down and put you down. Sever ties with the extra baggage and life will be lighter and definitely more refreshing. If people in your life don’t know you or can’t appreciate you for what you are then they are better off being out of your life.

Sometimes some wounds just don’t heal

Flashbacks are really amazing sometimes, especially when they remind of things you are trying to forget. Repression doesn’t always work the way it should. Certain incidents rake up certain memories and unfortunately they are not always pleasant ones.

I saw some “mother” related posts today and it made me think back to a not so pleasant time in my life and I thought I would share this because I know there are other women like me who have gone through the same thing. Someone once told me that being a mother starts as soon as the child is born but I said being a mother starts right at conception and it doesn’t ever stop. The maternal instincts kick in right from the time your body realizes there’s something going on. There’s nothing more magical than knowing that there’s a little life within you. All your instincts kick in and you just want to be the best mom in the whole wide world and the worst feeling is knowing that you lost that little life. No amount of time can ever heal wounds like that.

Losing a baby is not like losing a tooth or chipping a nail. It leaves you feeling empty and no matter how hard you try to push those feelings deep into the crevices of your mind the hurt comes up again when you least expect it. It could be words spoken in spite or little incidents. It could be anything but no matter what it is it hurts as much as it did the moment you lost your child. The attachment begins to grow from the moment you are sure about your pregnancy and it keeps growing. The excitement builds up. Everyday brings a new experience and then suddenly it’s gone. Something goes wrong and there’s no baby.

I write this because I know there are so many women who have had miscarriages or unsuccessful pregnancies, Ectopic pregnancy or a malformed uterus or just boring old stress, so many reasons.    There are others who have been lucky enough to not have experienced this feeling and by writing about this they will be able to understand the emotional trauma and the pain one goes through when one loses a child and it’s not the easiest thing in the world to cope with. It leaves you feeling like a carcass, an empty shell, you go through depression and it could run into months. Everytime you lie down your thoughts go to the moment when you found out you were pregnant and then the moment when you were not. Yes, life seems extremely unfair at that point.

The months pass, the due date arrives and that rakes up some more sadness. “My child would have been born sometime today. I would have been holding my baby right about now. His room would have been so bright and cheerful with blue curtains and a blue cot or pink if it was a girl. No not pink! Maybe peach, yea peach is nice!” That’s followed by tears and maybe another depression that gets worse when you see people with babies around the same age your baby would have been. You turn away to hide the pain in your eyes then you turn back and smile at the lucky couple and you think “I would not have dressed my baby in those kind of clothes.” or “My baby would have totally rocked that outfit coz of his stylish parents!” A slight laugh escapes through your lips and your eyes light up briefly.

A year later, you remember the date and you think “Oh my little one would have been a year old today. We would have been excited listening to his first words. I’d be teaching him to recite nursery rhymes and sing fun songs. I’d be taking him to the beach and we’d watch the waves together. We wouldn’t have a party but we’d start a bank account for him so we could put in some money in there every birthday he crosses. I would have been a great parent. We would have been great parents.” The moments of loss are relived yet again.

No, no loss could ever be worse than losing a baby. Losing a parent is not as bad as losing a baby, a life that is within you, part of you, all you. Yes, motherhood does start at conception. Someone who has not felt a loss like that will probably not understand the intensity of it all but someone who has lived through it will know that this is not just “pain” that will get healed with the passage of time or it will be gone when you wake up the next morning, this is pain you carry with you til your last breath.  This is pain you relive every year. This is pain you don’t really want to talk about but you hide it deep within you hoping it gets better or goes away.

I always wondered what sort of mom I would be, being a tomboy (something I have not yet outgrown), so impulsive and spontaneous and the moment I found out I was pregnant I called up my best friend (my mom died in 2004) and I asked her all the do’s and don’ts. I was so nervous I would do something wrong or something I shouldn’t be doing. I made sure I slept on time, I ate on time, I didn’t stress too much (but the stress was inevitable at that point). I even started keeping a diary of how every single day went from the time of conception to the moment of loss. I just wanted to document all my emotions so I could share them with my child on his/ her 18th birthday. How we felt when we saw the first ultrasound. The tiniest little embryo. How nervous we were everytime we went to the doctor. Everything was so enchanting and everyday brought a new lesson with it.

The most magical feeling in the world is looking at that pregnancy test and seeing it’s positive and then rushing to share the news with your husband. The emotions that sweep you up is like a whirlwind of everything new.

Moving on after a miscarriage is one of the toughest things to do and from personal experience I’d say take time out. Isolate yourself if you have to. Immerse yourself in things you love to do. Read, listen to music, just spend time with your spouse in silence or talk about it if he’s comfortable with it. It’s his loss too after all and you don’t have to live through the pain on your own. Do it together. Plan some outings with him, go for movies, go to your favourite restaurant. Stay away from everything that depresses you. Go to a friend’s place for a few days or visit your favourite aunt. Take a trip outside your hometown. Invite friends over for a crazy evening of board games and movies. Hang out with girlfriends who have also had miscarriages and share your experiences. Talking helps. If your mother is still around, go visit her. Moms always know the right things to say to take all that pain away and  they’ll even have your favourite dessert laid out before you get to their place. Moms know, they always do!

(I wrote this blog not to get sympathy but to reach out to people who have had the same experience and to others who want to understand what it’s like but can’t imagine what it’s like and hopefully men will know what they wives go through if at all any do read this. What brought about this blog is a simple post which made me remember some words that were uttered to me quite thoughtlessly or with “wise” contemplation… who knows? “It’s a good thing I had a miscarriage because I wouldn’t be a good mother!” and “I would be the kind of parent who favours one child over the other by the way I take care of my dogs!” (I wouldn’t say these to my worst enemy leave alone even thinking of saying this to a friend.) Wise words indeed but at least I got to share my experience and hopefully it helps someone going through the same thing now. Do not judge a person’s parenting skills by the child she’s lost but judge her by how she raises the children she has!)

What is love?

I had been questioning the existence of love for as long as I can remember and two days ago I asked myself the same question… “what is love?” Then I looked at the man sitting across the table from me and a slow smile crept across my face. Looking at him deep in the eyes I knew what love is and what love should be and here’s my list.

#1. He makes you smile just thinking about him.

#2. You stare at his face just before falling asleep and go like “This is what I married!” and not “This is what I married?”

#3. He pulls you out of all the rough times.

#4. He doesn’t leave your side when things get tough.

#5. He wipes away your tears and swears it will all be better sooner than you think.

#6. He accepts you for what you are (even if he doesn’t want to).

#7. He drops everything just to hear you whine about your problems.

#8. He lets you watch all the nonsense on TV (except on Football nights).

#9. He tolerates your poor cooking skills and tells you to work at it.

#10. He pulls you back and stops you from being “spontaneous”.

#11. He knows what you’re up to by just looking into your eyes.

#12. He hangs out with your friends and listens to the same old stories.

#13. He’s cool if you forget anniversaries (coz most likely he’s forgotten as well).

#14. You can hang out like friends.

#15. He encourages you to take an interest in what he loves doing (only if it’s game related… his toolbox is still out of bounds. He’ll fix things for you but you will still not be allowed to go anywhere close to those spanners, wrenches, hammers, pliers, screwdrivers. He’ll allow you to change the light bulb but that’s as far as it gets.).

#16. He accepts your pets and they begin to love him more than they love you.

#17.  He let’s you have more space on the bed.

#18. Gives you days off from cooking (and only because he’s quite fed up of the disasters that have been coming out of the kitchen).

#19. Let’s you sleep in (because that’s better than handling a cranky woman all day.)

#20. Gives in to your whims and fancies (if they aren’t too insane.)

#21. Offers to do the dishes sometimes because he knows it’s your worst chore.

#22. Helps with the tidying of the house (but only coz you suck at it.)

#23. Reminds you about all the pending chores and accepts that you’ll “do it later!”.

#24. He’s always supportive.

#25. Accepts you as you are.

#26. Handles all your problems if things get too overwhelming.

#27. He may not always say he loves you but his actions give him away.

#28. He remembers things he knows you’re going to forget.

#29. Doesn’t mind one bit that you’re really shy and can be a “social spaz” at times.

#30. He is your anger management coach.

#31. He always makes time for you no matter how busy he is.

#32. He makes you the most amazing coffee because he knows you really need it.

#33. He doesn’t bat an eyelid at another woman when she tries her best to flirt with him, vie for his attention and acts like you are the competition inspite of the fact that you’re married to him.

#34. He gets you every single April Fool’s without fail and amazes you by it every single time (thank goodness it was a different prank).

Love is not always standing out in the pouring rain or holding hands in public or saying “I love you!” a bazillion times a day… sometimes it’s a little beyond that. My husband has literally tamed the shrew. I was clueless about cooking, maintaining a house, chores, I’m still learning everything. I knew the basics about cooking. One year and two months ago I found myself standing in the center of my kitchen, gazing around me, wondering how to start up lunch. I had no idea how to boil rice or make a curry. Today I can safely say I’m not so clueless but I still have a lot to learn.

I may not have the most perfect marriage in the world and I am definitely not the most perfect person or the easiest to get along with either… we all have our “moments”… but I’ve been blessed, blessed with a good husband who has a heart of gold.  We all have our own faults but it’s only through a lot of acceptance and tolerance that we can look beyond it and see the person we fell in love with in the beginning and we keep falling in love with over and over again. If we let small problems pile up then it will just turn so messy and get out of hand. Take life’s curve balls one shot at a time and things won’t be as bad as they could be.

Oh internet how I have missed thee!

The past few days have made me realize how dependent we are on the internet and as much as we would like to deny that we know it’s true. Many of us cannot go a few hours without the internet. I know I can’t. My internet has not been working properly since Wednesday afternoon, sites would not open, some sites took ages to open and I only had access to google and google related sites. Oh the levels of frustration was unspeakable!

“No! I can do without the internet!” “Seriously! I failed that test!” The bitter truth is that I cannot live without the internet. I don’t mind not having my cell phone, in fact I quite enjoy days when I almost-intentionally leave the phone at home and hook off. The joy of non-ringing phones for just a tad is like music to my ears. Now not having the net is a whole new ball game. We work online, we game online, we keep in touch with the outside world with the help of the internet and when it doesn’t work the way it should it gives me the feeling of being cut off from everywhere else.

I found myself at a complete loose end (of course not counting the regular chores I do around the house) and I just did not know what to do with all the time I would spend either writing or gaming. I caught up on some “offline” reading… “Regular books exist!” and watching nonsensical programmes on TV, stuff that would not enhance my IQ in the least… okay I did switch to National Geographic and Discovery every now and then but the sad fact is that I really missed not having an internet connection or at least one that was working properly. Well, on the brighter side I did catch up with sleep. I slept through the afternoon and I went to sleep extra early at night too. I got close to 8-11 hours of sleep if not more (or maybe less).

I missed doing my research and reading. I missed my online gaming hours. I missed just about everything. I don’t know what I missed more, not having the net functioning properly or not sending out daily greetings to my friends and family I chat with daily. I openly admit I cannot live without the net, not for a few hours leave alone days. The only times I don’t miss the internet is when I’m on holiday, that’s when I make it a point not to log in and I take a complete break from everything but as long as I am not on holiday I definitely need the internet like a fish needs water. Oh the life I lead is so tragic! (I jest!)

How many of us are willing to admit that they cannot do without the internet? I am quite curious about this. We all know the answers but how many are actually willing to say it out loud?

(I spend a good 12-16 hours on the net, working, gaming, reading. I play a couple of MMOs and without the net there is no chance to log in to any of the games. Online gaming is my main stress buster and without it I feel really… well… not calm.)

Sometimes walking away in silence is the toughest thing to do…

After all these years I still don’t get some women. I’ve been trying to get my head around it but unfortunately I just can’t. Their psyche seems like it’s on a whole different planet. I studied in an all girls’ school and one of the top convent schools here, I was around girls most of the day, there was always that air of competitiveness, almost-friendly rivalry, bonding moments over a mutually unfavoured teacher and yet it moved beyond that. We learnt to deal with the malevolent ones tactfully and steered clear away from them. All this makes you wiser and almost ready to deal with incidents that you might face later on in life. I definitely loved my school life, I learnt a lot from the co-ed school I started off in and then the convent school I was shifted to.

Of late I have been very nostalgic about the days gone by especially when it came to friendship. Friendship was pure, deep and lifelong. Our bonds were unbreakable. We respected each other and most importantly we stood by each other through every dire situation, every step of the way. Friendship had a new meaning then. I took all my bonds seriously and I still do so it really baffles me when people don’t think or feel the way I do. I am still in touch with a lot of my Kindergarten mates, school mates,  college mates and even my neighbours from the place I grew up in. We still share the bond, the memories, the fun we had.

Thinking back to the strengthening factors of life back in the day I remembered an incident which til date, makes me smile. I was in high school and I had a secret crush on a very cute boy, being boyish I knew I wouldn’t get a first glance from him, leave alone the second one. So I admired him from a distance, he never knew I liked him. Then one day, my best friend pulled me aside and told me she had a crush on a boy and it happened to be the same one. I was stunned. I decided to back down and I never told her about it til very recently. Of course neither of us ended up with that boy but that was just how I was wired. Whenever a friend and I liked a guy, if I valued the friendship I would back down and my friend would never know about it. We’re all grown up now but the bonds are still strong.

Judging by a recent series of unfortunate events, I have been forced to believe that friendship no longer has that depth or respect. A lot of women have become ruthless and stop at nothing to try getting a man they have their mind set on; whether it’s for the conquest of it or they are built that way. They will actually go to unspeakable levels and do unthinkable things to vie for his attention. So yes, even marriage does not get that respect. I may not get the “best friend of the year” award but I know there are just some boundaries I would never cross and that is flirting with someone else’s partner.

Now that I am married this behaviour wouldn’t even cross my mind for a fleeting moment. It amazes me how some women stop at nothing and even go to the extent of criticizing a man’s choice of marriage. No one gives anyone a right to judge, criticize or question someone’s choice. If you don’t get along with one of the people who are coupled up then walk away gracefully rather than cause grief. It’s not difficult. Leave them to their own devices. Vying for a married man’s attention in front of his wife is just wrong on every level. They are married and there’s no turning back though you have a choice to turn your back and gracefully walk away from this situation instead of spreading poisonous misery. No one sought your approval or consent when they took their marriage vows so what gives you the right to judge or come between then and worse, criticize his choice? After all he is married to the lady, she was his choice and he was happy with it. There’s no need to put her down but then all women are not raised the way my friends and I were. We know how to respect each other, our choices and most importantly our partners. I would never question any of my friends’ choices on partner at the most I will tell them I don’t like the person but as a friend I will be there and support their choice, other than that there’s nothing said on the subject.

I do my best to be fair and I feel people should do the same thing. A wise man once told me that if I can’t change an unpleasant situation to walk away and even though it’s tough to do this sometimes it’s the best choice. Wait in silence and hopefully the contender will come to his/ her senses and realize that behaving this way is wrong on every front. Respect is earned and not demanded for and when someone respects your boundaries the right thing to do is respect the person right back. If you cannot respect the person then sever ties completely, including ties with his/ her partner. Maybe I’m wrong in thinking this way, maybe the world has changed and people find it hard to respect people around them.

(Disclaimer: – “You” is generic. I’m not in any way pointing fingers at anyone but merely putting my thoughts and observations out there just so that I can get opinions about this hypothetical situation on friendship, flirting, marriage and respect. I didn’t write this to offend people but I would like to assess what’s right and what’s wrong. Maybe I am still old fashioned and the world has changed before my eyes.)

You hear me

You hear me in my silence,

I hear you in your noise,

You hear my last goodbye,

I remind you this was your choice.

 

You can watch me walk away,

You become a glimmering memory,

I watch you fade away,

This is the end of misery.

 

Can you stand back and watch me leave,

Is it truly that easy?

Will you not take a moment to grieve,

Or have you forgotten me?

 

I saw the pain in your eyes today,

Or was it my imagination?

Was it the words you didn’t say,

In guilty contemplation?

 

So yes this is truly our goodbye now,

We silently walk our different ways,

As I guiltlessly hold my head up high now,

With the thought that we might meet again someday.

 

(The saddest emotions run the deepest. Sometimes it’s best to just walk away from what was and focus on what is! Out of every negative emotion/ situation there’s always beautiful poetry that emerges. Take every unpleasant circumstance and turn it into something positive and life changing. What doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger. There are always blessings around you, you just have to know what to look for. I thought I would put my emotional roller coaster ride to good use and this is what I got in the end. A pleasant evening spent in philosophical cognition after a hearty meal.)